Chuck Norris facts

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man’s gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Most Anti-Bacterials claim to kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 110% of whatever the hell he wants.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Bruce Lee invented nun-chucks, but he named them after Chuck Norris.

Others claim that the weapon that consists of two pieces of wood connected together by a piece of chain were originally named, “Nun-Barrys”. Nobody knows what happened to Barry?

If stuck on what to do, just ask yourself: “What Would Chuck Norris Do?”, and then give up, because you can’t kick that hard.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris killed Kenny, you bastard.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero, but he only has to look at zero and it divides itself.

Chuck Norris is true for all values of x.

The square root of -1 is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi… but he’s not telling.

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Isaac Newton created his own laws for Chuck Norris.

Newton’s Fourth Law is Chuck Norris. “An object at motion will stay at motion, unless it meets Chuck Norris”.

There was only one man that dared talk back to Chuck Norris, that man’s name is Steven Hawking.

Chuck Norris CAN stop rock (and roll, too).

Chuck Norris once played a game of roulette in a casino, and bet on blue. He won.

When Chuck Norris pees while the wind faces him, the wind changes direction.

Chuck Norris is the only man ever to have had sex with Mother Nature.

In school, Chuck Norris did not consult books. Books consulted Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Some people have tattoos of Jesus, Jesus has a tattoo of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has surgery, they apply the anesthesia to the surgeons.